Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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