Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
did i just pee glitter
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
