im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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