he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
