we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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