I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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