did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
