Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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