I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
