Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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