remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
