She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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