you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
