I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize