I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
