Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
