Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
