You surviving the open bar?
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It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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