so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
