An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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