I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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