the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
