Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
