insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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