Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
