I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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