Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
