Buhtt sex?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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