My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize