Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
