you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
