while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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