Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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