If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
