youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
