oh god the rape fog is back!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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