I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
