Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
