I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
