I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Acid is not a monday night drug
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
