Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
