I hate your face
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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