He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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