apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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