Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
