I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize