Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
