It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
