i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
