my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
