i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
