My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sarcasm needs its own font
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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