Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
