Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
