why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
