I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
