Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
