4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
