I want to make a zoo with you.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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