I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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