I want to make a zoo with you.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
