I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
