I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
