first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
