Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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