Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
