This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He passed out mid-signature
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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