can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
