my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
