I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
