saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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