I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
