If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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