This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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