the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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