So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
