false alarm. still invincible.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
