i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
