On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize