i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
