Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
