Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
