I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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